branchlimbs

I got this anonymous comment:

do you ever even try? have you ever reeeeeally tried? cause it sounds like you love being miserable, making everyone around you miserable then whining and making excuses instead of ever TRULY trying to get help/help yourself.
i've noticed over the years you get fewer and fewer responses to posts and i assume its because everyone got bored with this. its impossible to feel sorry for you anymore because its a waste of time. you dont care, why should anyone else.
you're a extremely intelligent person with so much talent oozing out of you and it all goes to waste. its such a shame.
do you ever step out of yourself and think of the stress you must add to the lives of everyone around you? it must be horrible for them to have to babysit and pick you back up off your ass all the time. always be worried rather or not you're even alive. you're a selfish cunt and once your family is dead no one will put up with your bullshit. you'll OD alone with your dog eating at your scabbed face, and be found by some guy who only came around when he needed fucked.
you arent 14 anymore, its time to start your life.

I don't know if this shit is worth it anymore.

Excerpt from Dog Soldiers by Robert Stone by Branchlimbs

"Converse had once accompanied Ian Percy to a color film made by the U.N. soil conservation people about the eradication of termites. In a country that looked something like Nam, where there was elephant grass and red earth and palm trees, the local soldiery drove over the grasslands with bulldozers, destroying immense conical termite colonies. There was a reason, as he remembered; the mounds caused erosion or the termites ate crops or people's houses. The termites were doing something bad. When the colonial mounds were overturned, termites came burrowing up from the ruins in frantic tens of thousands, flourishing their pincers in futile motions of defense. Soldiers with flame throwers came behind the bulldozers scorching the earth and burning termites and their eggs to black cinders. Watching the film, one felt something very like a moral objection. But the moral objection was overridden. People were more important than termites.

So moral objections were sometimes overridden by larger and more profound concerns. One had to take the long view. It was also true that at a certain point the view might become too long and moral objections appear irrelevant. To view things at such length was an error. The human reference point must be maintained.

Really, Converse thought, I know all about this. ...It was an error to take the long view in the face of moral objections. And it was an error to insist on moral objections when they were overridden. If one is well grounded in youth, the object of of love and sound toilet training, these things become second nature."



I wonder if this is true. Doesn't seem so radical as not to be. Regardless, I hope that my morality is second nature... sometimes, I wonder.



Thoughts, you guys?

glued to the inside of sheets,
sweating, thrashing bizarre dreams
the car sits cold in the driveway,
class doesn't miss the absent today.
the center of me rips away and skips past,
within seconds I'm leaps and bounds behind.
"don't give up on me," once spoken, sounds like
a house that no one would want to occupy,
made of tin and paper, has a new leak every day
and I am the sad, slow ghost that haunts it.
I'd like to find those sounds, swallow them back down,
announce instead that it's due time to give up on this,
abandon the messy construction of reckless decisions
and hop the train bound toward a sturdy, pre-stocked home.
But you go ahead; I need just five more minutes
tucked into sheets, haunting this one-big-leak
I need just one more underwater dream.

EDIT @ 7:40PM 12/04/10
Comments screened.

Poll #1653264 Thoughts on the pot
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 21

Do you wash your feet when you shower?

"Is my soul asleep?
Have those beehives that work
in the night stopped? And the
waterwheel of thought, is it
going around now, cups
empty, carrying only shadows?

No, my soul is not asleep.
It is awake, wide awake.
It neither sleeps nor dreams, but watches,
its eyes wide open
far-off things, and listens
at the shores of the great silence."

Antonio Machado

( this is what I did today. )
I really don't know what to say. Too much to process, still.
crawl into my brain for a bit.

replaced sleep with
cigarettes, popsicles, poetry
writing in my journal,
each new entry in a different color of ink
thinking in the language of melody. smiling.

Stability results were low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were low which suggests you are overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense too often of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were moderately low which suggests you are reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.

trait snapshot:
messy, irritable, depressed, fragile, worrying, emotionally sensitive, does not like to lead, phobic, weird, suspicious, low self control, paranoid, frequently second guesses self, dependent, unproductive, introverted, weak, strange, unassertive, submissive, familiar with the dark side of life, feels invisible, rash, vain, anti-authority, heart over mind, low self concept, disorganized, not good at saving money, avoidant, daydreamer, unadventurous