|
[01 Jan 2015|12:00am] |
Sometimes public, sometimes private.
If I won't read you, I won't add you. Ask.
|
|
|
[30 Dec 2009|07:49pm] |
I've been feeling a little bit more alive, these days; able to show my face again.
|
|
|
[03 Dec 2009|03:41pm] |
at some point I changed, from
the shaky-legged, shell-shocked fawn
caught up in the wrong forest,
to a few drops of rank vapor
in the toxic cloud of corruption
that easily inherits all the blame.
Without having consulted the roots
in long enough for the plant to have died,
I continue to call all the wrong shots
loud enough to reverse the best intentions.
|
|
|
[13 Nov 2009|03:12pm] |
"there's a beast / and I let it run / now it's running my way."
|
|
|
[13 Aug 2009|03:30am] |
Everybody goes for the pink thing
with eyes pointed at the ground.
So take that, pink and
grumbles under my breath but just
not quite scary enough for a spell
And since we all want to know,
I guess the root purpose is
To take that and RUN
Sorry but I'll have to give you
the song-show in your ear
when I follow through which is
after the lesson.
|
|
|
[01 Jul 2009|05:08am] |
I'm living a simple life and smiling wide!
Yes, with an exclamation point. I've noticed that I can't modulate my voice well in public situations and loud environments. I simply have to be the loudest. Still self-conscious enough to notice small flaws like that, but I'm getting better at ignoring those thoughts like teeny tiny fish in my ridiculous mind river.
( I want to talk to you about a business arrangement. Click here for details? )
|
|
|
[26 Jun 2009|03:11am] |
|
Dr. Fischman -
Preface
This card is beautiful but it makes me sad. Chris and I visited Olema, a town north of S.F., and visited a lighthouse - like a normal happy couple (in 2007.) Another trick memory that I have to erase - that trip ended in a fight, like all the rest. I couldn't bear to throw the card away but I'm uncomfortable telling that story to anyone else in such an intimate, relevant medium. Hope you like lighthouses.
______
My life feels like an endless double-take; I doubt myself constantly. I'm writing this down because it's 2:43 AM, and although my life appears relatively norma now, I doubt that it is. I know that addiction has tainted my personality & stunted my growth. You would respond with a statement emphasizing the duration and severity. I thought I understood, but maybe I didn't? No, now I definitely feel as though I positively understand. If not - if this is just part of the recovery process - I'm getting tired. My mind still has a quarter tank or so left, but I can feel my body sputtering and failing.
_____
_____
That's all I wrote before I got exhausted. I'm going to lay down and kick my feet for another few hours.
|
|
|
[14 May 2009|09:57am] |
|
disjointed is the only way to live;
miracles (the Sky's blue)
turn into coincidence (the sky is blue)
once you figure them out. Wait,
did I leave room for a sequel? Stay with me
when my father died I poured milk on his paperwork.
Was that lie flashy enough to get you back?
Did you understand that? No? A little bit confused?
Good. My only way to help you live
is to hitch a ride to the other side of the planet
So that you don't get to see any flesh or blood
which is really just Human which
is the dullest disappointment to exist
and it breaks my heart to see you sad so don't cry for me.
Empathy, to feel my bones break as if they were your own
is just Soul Stealing by another name. Stay out of my heart.
|
|
|
[02 May 2009|11:04am] |
I really do love sunrise.
watch my torso while I sing. Fascinating, I know.
I stayed up all night with Space-Girl, half of it spent with her argumentative (just for the sake of it, to a more ridiculous extent than I take it) boyfriend. They left to "sleep" around 8, 9 AM... only a few hours after Chris walked angrily out of my (our, until then) apartment, saying he'd be back on Monday to get the two remaining objects in this place that are his, not that I have any idea what he's referring to. He gave me back a bunch of books, saying "Save them for yr next boyfriend" which doesn't even fit with what he's supposedly angry about; I'm "ignoring him" to pursue a friendship and maybe? more with Space-Girl, and he doesn't like to see me flirt. It's true, I treat him with a lot of anger compared to people I purely like or simply don't know. He's done a lot of fucked up, unresolved shit, so I find it warranted.
With that, I'm off to get coffee, eat a bagel, smoke some pot and do cocaine; to replace the company I wish I had (Chris, Space-Girl, Amber [who was briefly my roommate,] anyone would do. I'm a lonely, miserable fuck.
|
|
| My desparate attempt at summoning inspiration |
[15 Mar 2009|07:32am] |
Begin
Charge
Pause
*see back of neck for details
Question (Doubt)
End
I have an appointment for next week, to get an asterisk placed next to the "Learn" on the back of my neck.
Yes it hurt... as if someone were drilling into my wrists... oh wait! He was!
|
|
|
[18 Feb 2009|02:05pm] |
Miss Intuition, the half-truth harlot,
Got her suspicions, lacks proof but wants it
I've been practicin'
grabbin' the noose when the knot slips,
Re-wiring my mind
to make the firing squad miss.
And while they're busy reloading, I'm decoding
the messages she sent with this key that I keep holding,
But it's a copy, and the lock seems broken
Got me chokin' on discussions I cannot keep open.
I'm fully clothed in this cock-tease moment.
The last cigarette sits between my lips
But I will not smoke it -
While it dangled, I got strangled, by a second hand,
Broke the ropes when I held my breath, and let my chest expand
Threw the stogie to the lonely hitman for hire,
Told him he owed me, and he showed me, his hand's on fire
We didn't shake on it; He nodded, I nodded back
He lit the cigarette with his fingertip, and dropped the gat
I started walking on the tracks you should've tied me to!
I waited for a train to hop, but stopped to say good-bye to you
When I turned my head, I heard what you said:
"Murder him dead -
try to do it with the girl in his bed"
So I fled.
Remembered: one should never look back,
There's no direction home, only blood on the tracks
Stuck in the past
I jetted - and left the red footprints
for them to follow, headed toward tomorrow
And I took sips from the flask,
That you bought me. For my sober anniversary.
Her dad tracks my scent -
She's got her old man in search of me
He knows where I'm headed; he's been there
King of the home, sits on his throne
like it's an electric chair
I'm the heir to that domestic death sentence
I see people accepting lethal injections,
dead in seconds
They confuse prison for a Bed N' Breakfast
Use their one call on voice-mail, to see who left a message
Could it be her? Could it be!? They're desperate
Mad at me, 'cause they lack a strategy for exit
Nobody pregnant, nobody get hurt
I got lost on this head trip, but I won't talk to an expert
My legs hurt,
'cause I've been walking with cement boots
Ever since you lured me to the water bed,
to get cute
She had a wet suit
and dry disposition
But couldn't execute that type of mission...
It's no small time thing, organizing my ending!
My book of life's a "Choose Your Own Adventure" -
With a circular section!
You can tell your friends I walked all over you,
But you know that's not what these boots were made to do
In fact, you had them crafted at the store,
You said, "Baby, slip em on"
I don't know what you take me for.
Knew what was up once I felt nailed to the floor,
Since the key didn't work, I kicked my way through the door
I keep moving
I go from house to house
I stay committed
like one foot in, one foot out
I bounce
Yeah I'm leaving this place
Divorce papers falling the fuck out my briefcase.
I am no destination
I am just the journey
So don't go settling on me, love
No, don't go settling on me. (x3)
Speak of me in your travels
Take pictures if you please
But don't go settling on me, love
No don't go settling on me.
...
...
I found something here, I want you to have.
It's not much, just a story, but it's all I've got so take it, here.
It's called Dylan.
Dylan, his drug of choice was more.
So Dylan took more, and more, and more until he woke up
babbling in a pool of his own traffic jam, realizing
he is killing off the best parts of himself in claiming
he could read people's skin.
When he looked down at his heart flap, he said "Boy,
Go find your spine and ride it outta' here."
- Sage Francis, "Keep Moving"
|
|
| Amber and I kick ass? |
[10 Feb 2009|02:49am] |
Amber and I are little hurricanes that are joining forces and creating such a tight spiral spinning so fast that nothing can escape us; get past our sets of eyes but our minds are sure to catch debris that you call dirt when it's really raw diamond.
She handed me a piece of paper with the first phrase on it on a bleary sunrise after 24+ hours of waking life; at least half of that was filled with music that can make a grown man disintegrate.
In the wee hours of the morning, this is how it came together.
A:
"This is your life; and it's ending one minute at a time."
J:
How many minutes do we have left? Do I have time to get on a plane to the east coast?, - will I make it to the snow for one last glimpse if I start driving (speeding) now? - Or should I start running is death nipping at my heels?
A:
:60 second time lapse:
This is your life; and it's ending one minute at a time.
J:
"Is this a game? Or is it real?
...
...
...
THERE'S NO DIFFERENCE"
A:
:60 day time lapse:
THIS IS YOUR LIFE; AND ITS ENDING ONE DAY AT A TIME.
J:
Okay, the urgency of the message dropped, from a severe red to an orange or yellow level; Now there's a 60 day time lapse before a stern sentence (all in CAPs might I add) just appears out of nowhere and scolds me. I would hate to live my life (that way), haunted by those looming threats! Thank god this paper isn't the basis for my reality, although the "real" one/my real experience isn't that much better: - shockingly uncomfortable, a whole species racing to reach imaginary moments, one after another. Oh fellow humans and benevolent creator Your Highness, look at what a magnificent heap of crap you've created this time. Look at the backstabbing brothers stand up for only themselves, so precisely, that in time the body becomes just a whittled stick. Reporting for duty, America's future corpses!
A:
:60 year time lapse:
this is your life; and it's now over.
You lose.
|
|
|
[10 Jan 2009|07:57pm] |
...my subconscious has the same impossible expectations that my parents do; never satisfied. My dad heard my grades (A, A, A+) and the first thing he said, no shit, was "Why aren't there more +'s?" I boiled over, snarled at him, and he said "Why would you get less than 100% when you can get more?" The closest he got to expressing pride was when he answered "Of course I am, God you're so sensitive" when asked. It's true though - starving for approval is the only thing that can still bring me to helpless tears, break me down. The ironic thing is, I perform much better academically when I'm not under that pressure, the kind that festers and grows too big to cure. If I could be free of that dark cloud, then the daily pressures - the subtleties of stage fright test anxiety, due dates etc. - wouldn't overwhelm me, paralyzed by expectations. Why can't I just be proud of myself, instead of focusing exclusively on what I didn't or haven't accomplished? Why does the idea of complacency seem so... sinful? Of course I don't want to stop growing... I also don't want to climb Everest with no breaks. But I'm consumed by disappointment, criticism, shame, a sense of failure, and anxiety closes around my throat when I stop climbing to pause and catch my breath. I don't let myself look back and see how far I've come; it doesn't matter, nobody cares. I can't stop.
My lungs will collapse
The paper-thin air piercing my throat isn't enough
My fingers and toes will turn purple and I won't stop
No food No friends No fucking around
All that matters is getting to the top
But at one point my body will fall, separate from mind
I'll die quietly and melt into the snow
Who will find my bones?
I spent my life climbing the tallest mountain, but
I have nothing to show for it
Didn't see anything, only looked for what comes next
All that mattered was the top
So I never stopped.
Now I'll never get where I'm going and I don't know where I've been
All I wanted was the medal that I'll never fucking win.
- from a letter I wrote
|
|
|
[02 Jan 2009|12:31am] |
after watching 80 minutes of footage, savoring every second and still starving for more, I truly love this man.
|
|
|
[01 Jan 2009|04:44pm] |
|
my dad boycotts resolutions, especially at the start of a new year, and I finally understand why. putting so much weight and pressure on a goal is dangerous, you start the race already weakened and destined to fail. I would never be so careless with my dreams; they're safe somewhere inside my chest where no one can see except neighboring organs, including the heart, which of course is the only thing that will get me there after all.
|
|
| My apartment's office is a place to vote tonight =) |
[04 Nov 2008|06:24pm] |
YOU CAN PARTICIPATE IN FORMING OUR WORLD'S FUTURE.
Vote. I don't care who you vote for, (although I hope you do) just do it. Voting is said to be a right, but it's not a right - it's a responsibility. As a citizen of the world; a member of the planet's dominant species. This is what makes us, as human beings, different from animals: The ability to THINK, to construct a value system and use it as a guide for our behavior. It's one of the few true and pure gifts of life, our ability to reason, please take advantage of it.
"It is a truth, recognizable in all of us, that when we don't want to become involved, when we don't want to confront even the issue of whether or not we'll come to the aid of someone who is being unjustly treated, we block off our perception, we blind ourselves to the other's suffering, we cut off our empathy with the person needing help. Hence the most prevalent form of cowardice is in our day hides behind the statement 'I did not want to become involved.'" - Rollo May
Please, please, please.
- Joy
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
branchlimbs's journal![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small}
